my lost fairytale

serious disadvantage

2007-01-24T13:32:00.000-08:00

my mind is going bananas. crushed ones, i may add. its hardly enough to breathe. the more i think about what's happening to me the more i get crazy. but when there's this second i get the chance i sway my thoughts about it, something out of the blue comes up and remind me about it again. i seriously want a new environment. free of anything that reminds me of it. sure i am going to miss tons of people and things. but come on, looking on the calendar i've been foolish and wasted all these tons of days. and a year in fact, for this damned feelings. my legs are shaking. the thought of it even gives me some insecurity. because of this feeling i learned how to hate myself once in a while, wait scatch that, i mean all the time. i tried to let go, but nothing happened. it just made me more foolish cause i'm just lying to my heart. cheesy huh? can you blame me for feeling this way? isn't true that being in love makes you cheesy even how cool you think you are? how can i grow if i'm being stuck to this feeling? how can i survive the challenge of life if something is strongly holding me back?

the memories you've caused me to fall.

2006-10-12T17:02:00.000-07:00

i just love you so darn much.. i just really do. even though you're far away i can still feel the eerie of my love for you. its been a year, 2 months, 28 days, an hour and 45 seconds and my feelings for you is still flowing. everyday i love you more and more. everyday i look for you, everyday i see you in my dreams.. wishing you could be mine and not hers. hoping that someday i'll get to accept this reality. i have been living in a tale for so long. i need to break free. i love you. a mere memory of you gives me smiles and spirit. but knowing that you're not mine gives me an opposite reaction of smiles. a flood of tears have been present throughtout the days and months. seeing things that made me remember you gives me both smiles and tears. oh, how i wish you could've been mine. but i think it wasn't really meant to be. i love you. i showed you my love and you didn't reply on it. i showed my care and sincerity and you didn't see it. during the days i saw you with her i wanted to blind myself. but on the otherhand these eyes are my only way to see your face. my only image of survival. if ever i loose my sight, i wanted you to be the last creature i see. i wanted you to be the one who will close my eyes. knowing that in the darkness i'll be able to capture your face for my one last chance. i love you. can't you hear my cry? every strum of your eyes makes me blush and stuffy. you have this magical thing that brings me smile without any reason. just you being there, just being with me is all it takes for me to fulfill my life. i love you. i really do. time and gap didn't break my love for you. i still think about you every single second of my undying love. you have given me this. you made me like this. i don't know if i'll be this way throughout my entire life. but a part of my heart will be forever yours. and only yours. i love you pustoy. you have given me dreams and sweet whispers. you have taught me how to love. you showed me the red brick of sweets and now i'm lost. will you please comeback and get me?

upside down smile

2006-09-25T05:57:00.000-07:00

so. why am i happy? why am i sad? 10 people actually asked me the same question for the past few days already.. why am i? why can't i explain myself? i love him. but i can't just love him. why, you asked? i knew that i love him. hey! i can fall in love! i really never thought i could. yes. i love him. but i just can't do that. i love him. but there's someone in my life is more important than to let only myself smile. that would be selfish. and i for one is NOT selfish. martyr most probably. but not selfish. i love him. but i just have to let go. and how can i do that? i love him like i can't sleep and smile without thinking of him. i love him. but she loves him too. what should i do? i want him. but i can't have him. for she adores him so. i can make him smile in a middle of grieving. but then i sometimes think. would he wishes to have her instead of my work? i love him. and those three words and dreams are all it take to express my feelings. i know my limits. and those limits are so hard to follow. cause if i ever broke a single boundary. i might see a million tears from someone who is too, important to me. i love him. and that's all i can say. i love him. i'll just own you in my dreams. there we can be.

the pain inside me conquers

2006-06-09T21:51:00.000-07:00

the pain inside of me sucks all my energy and all my s if its is impossible to ever heal it self. love has drawn my entire life. and now that its gone. there's nothing left forense of living. every wound gets deeper and deeper.. as me to do and have a reason to survive. that's what my heart tells me to do.

but my mind tells me the different view. and i know my case is not far from the others have. if there's a price for a rotten judgement.. maybe i couldv'e won it already.. not once but twice already. i have to learn how to move on. there's still a long road for me.. young.. why not move it? have hope is what they say.. don't make a big fuss about it is also one of their repeated set of wisdom words. get real and plan for yourself. don't let yourself get into a hell hole once more. don't be such a drama queen. do this do that.. don't do this, don't think of it. can't get enough of it huh?
this will never end.. i have to always pretend that i'm ok.. i have to let people see me that i'm strong. cause without it. i don't have an use to this world.

one more thing.. barx pictures.. i love these people.

yan palng ung nasesend sken.. more to come.. :)

past time

2006-06-09T01:59:00.000-07:00

the hell with it! hahaha.. no reason to be depressed though.. because when i "entered" the circle.. i knew there were certain consequences..

and whether i like it or not..

i have to face it and deal with it.. sad..

but its a risk i have to take..all this pleasure is worth all the pain.. hahahathis is a mistake

a mistake im makingbut, whatever you are giving

im willing to be taking..hayayay.. its not easy.. but when you are in the circle.. its hard to go out.. its like a spiral pulling you deep.. its a rollercoaster ride that left you hanging exactly at its loop.. youre in a place where there is no assurance and you dont need any.. im in that place.. im lost... but im finding my way back..no one has the right to judge me.. i didnt like this either.. but im in it.. and i cant seem to get out.. rather... it seems a part of me wants to stay..this isnt a misery anyway...all this pleasure is worth all the pain..

thank you..

im staying

im sorry

life's a rollercoaster

2006-06-09T01:46:00.000-07:00

the world's a roolercoaster.. and iam not strapped in.. maybe i should hold with care but my hands are busy in the air...that's it.. im too busy to care..honestly, i dont care what other people might think.. cause now, i have learned to be unselfish.. things are not always right you know? lessons are learned from mistakes.. sometimes its ok to create and enter one.. human beings are not perfect.. human beings get confused and not know what they really want and need..

"the circle"

is more of a spiral actually.. it takes you round and round.. slowly, quickly, slowly again.. it takes you on a rollercoaster ride and before you know it, youre already deep.. under..it's a struggle to go up.. the more you try to get up... the harder you fall.. inside this circle, there isnt anyone to blame.. because those who are in it enjoyed the ride,,, they experienced temporary bliss.. something that isn't gonna last for a long time.hurt is something you should be ready for,, for in here, things are like sky writing - they are beautiful for sometime.. and when its gone it will just become a fragment of your memory, maybe forgotten, maybe not..inside this magical circle are people who understand you.. unless youre in it.. this entry is useless, unless youre mind is open.. you'll remain outside the circle..

colored flowers and candies

2006-06-09T01:24:00.000-07:00

oh my god.. ang stressful nitong araw natoh.. sobrang i'm missing alot of things. i wouldn't care if my hair got bushied or whatever.. i just want my old life back.. a lot of things happen for a reason.. un ung sabi ng iba pero.. hello? pano kung reason is something not nice? and not for a good cause? is it still worthit? i'm guessing not.. you smile for the public and cry in your shadows.. you give candies to others until there's none left for you. i mean is that right? is it proper to give everything and forget yourself.. when you don't..your now a terrible and unsensitive person.. what the hell should i do know? i want my old life back.. when there's always "fun" and happiness for me.. well.. that's the case.. it's all only for me.. i'm forgetting the world around me.. the tons of population circulating and also part of this world and my life.. can't i find anything easy.. nothing is easy..

some people say that... you can find your own happiness.. it more of a choice and not a chance.. but if you can't find and reason to pick that choice? do you force yourself? do manipulate something that is not true? a lie? that ain't happy as well.. now. tell me.. what should i do? <-- that's one more thing.. some people say that.. you shouldn't ask for others to tell you what to for yourself.. you should find the answer for yourself.. sometimes you have to stand a smell the stink and perf by yourself..

perfection. is that really a word? does it have a meaning.. or rather.. an example.. so i can understand it more throughly? is there some sort of thing that can give an idea what the hell it really is? am i soooo blatant to not know the freaking answer? easy charges are nowhere in sight.. somethings that are meant to be meaningless. that's ne plus on the list.. PERFECT.

the most advisable thing people can tell you is do.. what you want and be aware of others feelings.. but the thing is.. i really don't care what the all say..

i know this is kind of weird but.. of you really read this as focused.. you'll get the idea..

i'm walking on sunshine!

2006-04-21T20:58:00.000-07:00

so fun fun fun!! i feel so good.

I used to think maybe you love me, now baby I'm sure
And I just cant wait till the day, when you knock on my door
Now every time I go for the mail box, gotta hold myself down'cos
I just cant wait till you write me, you're coming around

[Chorus:]
I'm walking on sunshine (whoa oh)
I'm walking on sunshine (whoa oh)
I'm walking on sunshine (whoa oh)
And don't it feel good
And don't it feel good
I used to think maybe you love me,
I know that it's trueI don't wanna spend my whole life just waiting for you
I don't want you back for the weekend, not back for a day
Baby I just want you back and I want you to stay

[Chorus]I feel alive, I feel a love,
I feel a love that's realI feel alive,
I feel a love, I feel a love that's real

shut up

2006-04-19T18:29:00.000-07:00

i'm so darn tired of listening to you. i'm so confused right now. i don't know what i want anymore. i don't know what to decide. i don't want to be selfish. all i want is peace. but guess were not having any. don't you try put our business with other people. they are not involved.

at least there are moments

2006-04-18T18:24:00.000-07:00

this is my friend tish. i love her so much. good thing i have friends like them to share all my shitness in life. but then sometimes i tend to not tell them all my shitness cause i feel that maybe someway they are overlaoded of all the heartaches i'm feeling right now. i surely am i going to miss these people a lot. but then i'm still here and worse i'm still hanging for him. i'm not improving at all. i feel so trite to be stucked this way.
at least i have these moments in my life that i can actually smile about. even though when everyone close the lights and find their rest, i seem to disregard myself and feel the same depression over and over again. how can i stop loving you? you have gave me and my personality a total wreck down.
sure fianlly i graduated highschool and soon be in an another country and start anew specifically college life. but then don't you realize that your memories are stuck in my mind? don't you realize that even if i'm still here and not seeing you most of time, i still think about you? i sometimes wish that we should've not crossed paths. i wished that you should've entered my life. but i can't fool myself that you were part of my greatest moments of my short simple life. i miss everything about you and hating you at the same time. can't i just be in an another life time that i will automatically forget who am i and what were my past? specially about you? i appreciated every single part of you. from your imperfections to your sweetness. i onced ask and prayed for you to come along. why do you have to leave me so fast? the truth is i want you to get lost in my life but i can't seem to accept it myself. i still love you. but i know dep inside my heart we can't forgo this. and it sucks cause here now i'm still longing for your presence.

damn!

2006-04-18T02:16:00.000-07:00

i don't like the feeling. my heart still hungers for "putsoy". and it hurts me a lot. cause i miss a lot about him. i miss how he taught me whenever i get confused. i miss how he cared for me whenever we can't go home. i miss those pizzas we've eaten. i miss how he lends his shoulders for me. i miss totally everything about him. and that bugs me out. i don't know what to do anymore. i love him so much. i can't let go. unless my heart tells me not too. i miss those mushy thoughts and talks. i miss every little thing about him.

new template

2006-04-11T02:47:00.000-07:00

yah and obviuosly i have tons of blogs.. and this on this one is more on my personal things.. specially with love so this is it..